A Mothers Love
by xxchompchompchompxx
Summary: After having an affair with Matthew, Mary ends up pregnant with his child. Her husband Richard, in order to save his reputation, orders her to give up the baby to Matthew and his new wife Lavinia. Memories are the only thing keeping Mary sane but just how much can Mary take when watching another woman raising her only child with the man she loves?
1. Chapter 1

Mary Carlisle looked out her window, trying yet failing to stop a single tear run down her pale cheek. Before her lay a small infant, the love child that she had conceived whilst having an affair with Matthew. When Richard had found out, he had banished her from their London home and sent her to a remote country home he owned that was far away from society. Here, under his orders, she was to go through her pregnancy, give birth to the child and give him to Matthew and his new wife Lavinia to raise as their own. Naturally, Mary was devastated at her husband's decision but had to go along with it as it was her husband's wish. The story that London would hear was that she had gone to visit family in America for the year and therefore leave the Londoners unsuspecting to her whereabouts.

Anna walked in and looked at her mistress and her heart really felt for Mary. Richard made it well known that did not want children and when Lady Mary did in fact have a child of her own, she had to give it up to the man she loved and the woman she wished she could be.

'Lady Mary, Mr and Mrs Crawley will be here soon for the child,' she said softly and Mary's eyes darted to her maid, whilst her body remained still. Blinking away more tears, she picked up her son and cradled her to her chest, kissing his small head. 'Have you thought of a name yet my Lady?' Anna added and Mary shook her head.

'I'm afraid to name him Anna,' Mary paused and looked at Anna, 'I'm afraid that if I do, I'll never be able to let him go. Oh Anna, I'm going to have to watch him grow up and call Lavinia mother, how will I ever do it?' Mary sobbed, her voice cracking midsentence and Anna put a hand on her mistress's shoulder.

'You are strong lady Mary and if Mr Crawley loves you as much as I know he does, he will tell the boy the truth as soon as he is old enough to know.'

'You think?' Mary asked hopefully, her brown eyes full of hope and Anna nodded.

'Of course my Lady,' Anna smiled before exiting the room, leaving Mary alone with her son.

'You are strong, you are important, and you are my son. My blood runs through your veins my love, my darling, my boy and that is blood well spent,' she whispered to the child, kissing his forehead. Mary cradled her child for about half an hour before Anna re-entered the room.

'It's time my Lady,' she said softly and Mary felt a sudden maternal instinct kick in.

'No, I shan't give him up,' Mary cried, holding her son tighter but Anna walked closer.

'You must Lady Mary, your life will be ruined if you do not, the family honour will dissipate, you will be alone,' she said and Mary nodded, knowing her maid was right.

'I want to be there.' Was all Mary said before she walked with the child towards a dark, large and ominous looking carriage that took her and Anna to a river side. When Mary stepped out of the carriage, Anna handed her the baby and Mary took look one last adoring look at her son before walking towards two figures standing in the distance. She could make out their faces as she walked slowly towards them, her simple white dress billowing in the wind. The icy wind bit into her gaunt face and she pulled the child closer to her breast as she came face to face with Matthew and Lavinia.

Matthew looked at his former lover with a look of pain. He hated to take their son away from Mary, especially as he still harboured his strong feelings of love for her, but he would rather save her and their son's reputations than condemn her to a life of solitude. Lavinia also looked sadly at the broken woman in front of her.

'Lady Mary, I am so sorry this has to happen,' she said and Mary nodded.

'I know, but it's better for my son.' Mary whispered and she kissed her sons head and her grip tightened when Lavinia began to take the boy away from her. Mary's face crumpled and Anna rushed out to her to stop her from collapsing from heart ache, even Matthew had to turn away. As soon as the boy was in Lavinia's arms, he began to cry uncontrollably and it pained Mary to listen to it.

'Let me hold him once more Lavinia, please,' Mary whispered and Lavinia looked back towards Matthew, who glanced his watch and shook his head, 'please,' Mary added, her voice pleading. Defying her husband, Lavinia handed the child back to Mary and as soon as she had, the baby stopped crying. Mary walked towards the stream that was just next to the group, followed closely by Matthew and Lavinia. Mary kissed her baby's head and the baby gurgled happily and tears filled her eyes as she began to sing softly to her son and rock him gently.

'_Hush now, my baby, _

_Be still love, don't cry,_

_Sleep as you're rocked by the stream,_

_Sleep and remember my last lullaby,_

_So I'll be with you when you dream,'_ Mary sang softly and Lavinia placed a hand on her heart, watching the heart wrenching scene in front of her. Mary smiled sadly as her baby fell asleep in her arms and she turned around and walked back to Lavinia before reluctantly handing him over to her. Lavinia could feel how tight Mary's grip was on her son and after a bit of pulling she managed to take the sleeping infant. Giving Mary a small but sad smile, she turned around and began walking back to the carriage with Matthew. Mary let out a sob and ran after her.

'His name is William!' she cried and both Lavinia and Matthew turned around and looked at her in shock, 'my son's name is William,' she repeated, more tears rolling down her wet cheeks. Matthew looked at the woman he loved and could not remember a time where he had seen her look more beautiful than she was now. Her long brown hair was blowing in the wind and her dress was blowing so hard in the wind it was showing her slim figure. He nodded at her before getting into his carriage with Lavinia and William.

'Drive on,' he told the driver and Mary watched them drive away before falling to her knees in hysterics. Anna was beside her almost immediately and Mary desperately clung to her for support as she sobbed.

'Come my lady, we should get ready to return back to London,' Anna said, standing up with Mary and walking her back to the carriage. The ride back to Richard's country house was quiet and Mary felt empty, staring at the empty seat where William had been not yet 10 minutes ago. Mary swallowed another sob and began to reminisce about the events leading up to the ones that occurred today. It had all started with a dance, a dance between herself and Matthew in Downton's great hall.

**Reviews would be great please. There will be more chapters and I'm not gonna lie I did feel like crying when I wrote this. If anyone has seen The Prince of Egypt, you'll recognise the snippet of the song if you haven't watched it, watch the river lullaby on youtube to get an understanding of the tune Hope you enjoyed this everyone! x**


	2. Chapter 2

Mary stopped short when she saw Matthew standing by the gramophone, listening to a song he had just put on. Mary felt her heart rate increase as she gracefully descended down the stairs.

'Where is everyone?' she asked and Matthew turned around and looked at Mary, taking in her beauty as she walked towards him in her silk midnight blue dress. Her dark brown hair contrasted to her pale skin and to Matthew, she was the only star in the dark night. Matthew coughed and smiled at her.

'I'm not sure, Cousin Violet's gone home,' he said and Mary stepped closer to him.

'What about you?' she asked and Matthew smiled.

'I'm waiting for Lavinia and Mother,' he answered.

'Well Dr Clarkson wants Lavinia to stay here, he'll see her tomorrow,' Mary said and she began to realise that the conversation was quite awkward between herself and Matthew. Listening to the music, she decided to strike up conversation, 'I don't know this one,' she chuckled and Matthew smiled, tearing his gaze away from her and back at the gramophone.

'Actually, I rather like it. I think it was I a show that flopped, 'Zip Goes A Million,' or something like that,' he laughed. Mary let out an amused sigh and looked at Matthew longingly, hoping that he didn't sense her longing for him to love her once more. Matthew, never removing his gaze from her flawless features, held his hand out, gesturing for her to dance with him. Mary, quite surprised at his actions, gladly stepped forward into his arms and they began to sway slowly to the music.

'Can you manage without your stick?' she asked.  
'You are my stick' Matthew breathed, mentally striking himself for saying that to the woman he loved so much. He didn't want to give her any false hope, especially when both were engaged to be married to other women. However, what he couldn't predict was what Mary was to say next.  
'Hm. We were a show that flopped.' She said sadly and Matthew immediately picked up on the tone in her voice and he sighed and pulled her slightly closer to him.  
'Oh, God, Mary, I am so, so sorry. Do you know how sorry I am?' he asked, a feeling of anguish building inside him and it was then he knew that what Violet had told him about Mary still loving him was entirely true. He also knew that he still loved her with a burning passion. Mary sighed to herself and held his hands tighter.  
'Don't be. It wasn't anyone's fault. If it was, it was mine.' She said smiling softly. Matthew took a deep breath and looked at Mary, twirling her around once more, before deciding to steer the conversation towards their relationship. He was going to tell her of his feelings for her, he had too.  
'You know, Cousin Violet came to me… and told me to marry you.' He said and he felt Mary tense in his arms. She pulled back slightly and looked at him with shock.  
'When was this?'  
'A while ago. When we knew I would walk again'  
Mary chuckled and looked at the floor, 'Classic Granny. What did you say?' she said, suddenly interested in what Matthew's response could have been.' Matthew felt his nerves start to kick in and he looked down at her and sighed.  
'That I couldn't accept Lavinia's sacrifice of her life, her children, her future, and then give her the brush off when I was well again. Well, I couldn't, could I?'  
'Of course not,' Mary sighed also. Matthew felt butterflies form in his stomach and before he knew what he was doing, he let out what he had been keeping to himself all this time.  
'However much I might want to,' Mary looked at Matthew in shock as she realised that he wanted to be with her but not break his vows to Lavinia. His loyalty to her was too fierce to the point that which he would not leave her for love.  
'Absolutely not.'

Mary looked into Matthew's eyes and he returned the gaze. The butterflies in his stomach increased and he flicked his eyes up and down to take in her face, her beautiful brown eyes looking into his blue ones made his heart soar and before he knew it, he had stopped them dancing and leant in for a kiss. When his lips touched hers, he felt a passion that he had not felt for a long time; it was clear that Mary was the woman for him. He placed her hands around his neck and pulled her closer. Suddenly their moment was broken when Lavinia's voice cut through.

'Hello?'  
Mary pushed herself away from Matthew and stood beside him as Lavinia came down the stares. Matthew mentally shook himself and smiled, 'What are you doing up?' Lavinia looked with suspicion at her fiancé and averted her gaze to Mary before returning to Matthew.  
'Shouldn't we be getting back?' she asked and Mary cut in before Matthew could respond.  
'It's decided. You're staying here. Dr Clarkson's coming in the morning so he can treat all of you together. You can borrow some things until Matthew brings you what you need. I'll go and organize a room.' She nodded and left Matthew and Lavinia alone. Matthew walked towards Lavinia and took her hands in his.  
'How do you feel?'  
'Like a nuisance.' Lavinia said, not impressed by her fiancé's sudden act of caring. She had seen her husband to be kissing Mary and she felt, she knew they were meant to be together. By God, they were made for each other. Matthew smiled and looked at her lovingly.  
'You could never be that.'  
'I mean it, Matthew. Don't ever let me be a nuisance. Don't ever let me get in the way, please.' She said before removing her hands from Matthews and following Mary. Matthew watched after his fiancée in shock and looked at the gramophone as it scratched to signal the end of the song.

* * *

Over the next few days, Lavinia's condition worsened and Matthew never left her side. Mary entered the room with some tea and a book. Lavinia looked up at her friend and smiled.

'Mary you are so good to me,' she croaked and Mary smiled.

'We just need to get you better in time for your wedding to Matthew,' Mary smiled.

'Oh… yes,' Lavinia faltered and both Mary and Matthew looked at her.

'Lavinia, are you quite alright?'

'Yes, I'm fine Matthew, I feel much better, I just feel though… that why you are both here…' Lavinia started but suddenly she was interrupted by Mrs Hughs.

'Er Lady Mary, Sir Richard is here to see you,' she said before leaving and Mary nodded at Matthew and Lavinia before leaving the room. Taking a deep breath she walked down towards the grand entrance and walked towards Richard. He took her hands in his and kissed her cheek.

'Good afternoon Mary,' he smiled crookedly and Mary swallowed the feeling of repulsion and smiled.  
'It's good of you to come, but I don't really see what you can do here, things are pretty much running their course at the moment,' she said looking back at the stairway.  
I just thought I better do my bit, I can imagine your father's not having an easy time of it. How's Lady Grantham?' he asked her and she looked at him, genuinely surprised at his interest in her family.  
'Not well. Clarkson's with her now,' she said.  
'And Miss Swire?'  
'Oh, she's...,' Mary trailed off as something occurred to her and she turned to face Richard, 'Is that why you've come? Because I said Lavinia had been taken ill?' she asked, looking at him stunned. Richard shrugged and smiled at her in an almost manic way.  
'I was coming up anyway in a day or two for the wedding.'  
'Well, she won't be getting married on Saturday, which I suppose is what you'd like best.'  
'But she's not seriously ill?' he asked, probing for more information. Suddenly Mary realised what he was getting at and her eyes narrowed.  
'I see what was worrying you. If Lavinia had been carried off, you wanted to be here to stop Matthew from falling into my arms on a tidal wave of grief!' she cried and Richard scoffed at her.  
'I've heard that it's a tricky disease.' Richard said, brushing Mary off.

'Well Lavinia is one of the strongest women I know, she'll pull through, just you watch Richard, just you watch,' Mary said angrily, 'Now if you'll excuse me, I have to return to my friend's side,' Mary made a move to turn but Richard grabbed her arm suddenly.

'If Miss Swire is unfortunate enough to succumb to this disease, do NOT assume that I will release you from this engagement so you can go and gallivanting off into the sunset with your precious Matthew,' Richard threatened and Mary scoffed and wrenched her arm away from him before returning upstairs. On the way back to Lavinia's room, she bumped into Matthew, who had secretly been watching from afar but was now trying to act as if he had gone to stretch his legs

'Mary, I was just stretching my legs…'

'I know you heard Matthew, so do not try to fool me with this whole stretching your leg story.' Mary sighed before moving to walk past him but Matthew caught her hand as she passed by.

'Come with me,' he said softly, pulling her into one of the many guest rooms.

'Matthew…' Mary started but Matthew shook his head, cutting her off.

'Mary, I know you love me and I want you to know I return those feelings,' Matthew stated and Marys jaw dropped, she couldn't quite believe what she was hearing.

'What…'

'I want to be with you Mary, I love you, but you know we are both trapped in our engagements so we can't be together,' he said, stroking her cheek with the back of his hand. Just as he was about to pull away, Mary grabbed his hand and kept it there, closing her eyes and memorising his touch.

'I know…' she whispered, looking up at him with a sad gaze. Matthew couldn't resist any further and swooped in for a passionate kiss. Mary had never felt so on fire before and she returned the kiss just as passionately to the point that when they ran out of oxygen both were heaving.

'Maybe… and don't feel you have to say yes Mary, but maybe we could just be with each other in secret. We marry our fiancés but we meet in secret, we love each other… in secret.' Matthew whispered, pulling Mary close once more.

'But Lavinia…'

'I know, but Clarkson has just deemed her out of danger. I know there are dark times at the moment but I want to be with you because I love you!' Matthew was now pleading and Mary grinned.

'Ok.' She whispered and Matthew smiled and together they began to sway to the same track from 'Zip Goes A Million' that had just began to play on the wireless.

**Thoughts? Review please and I will love you forever xx**


	3. Chapter 3

'M'lady? M'lady?' Anna's voice rung through and Mary stopped reminiscing on how Matthew and her relationship had started and turned to look at her maid. 'Are you alright m'lady?'

'Am I alright?' Mary asked, looking at Anna. Anna wanted to kick herself for even asking her mistress that question.

'What I meant was, I mean…' Anna sighed, 'you're just very quiet that's all m'lady and you've been staring out the window.' Mary looked at Anna and nodded.

'It's alright Anna, I'm fine, I miss William terribly but I suppose I can get over the fact that Lavinia is raising my son with the man I love,' Mary said bitterly and Anna placed a hand on Mary's arm.

'Lady Mary, I know this might not be what you want to hear but… Lavinia will take good care of William. She will be a wonderful mother to him and William will be raised wonderfully by the Crawley's.'

'Lavinia doesn't even know the child is Matthew's, Anna. She knows nothing on the affair! Only you, Matthew and I know about it… I'm such a terrible person,' Mary began to cry again. Anna looked at her mistress as if she had grown another head.

'Lavinia never found out? And Sir Richard doesn't know either,' she gasped and Mary nodded.

'As far as Lavinia is aware, she's the love of Matthew's life and they have only been married for a year. She'll be raising William as if she became pregnant immediately after marriage, she'll be new to London society so the story makes sense. To her, she is doing me a favour! As for Richard, I think he suspects the father is Matthew but he has no proof that he and I had this affair,' Mary sighed and wiped her eyes, 'I told him it was someone forced themselves upon me. He then proceeded to tell me that someone like me brought things like that upon myself. He didn't want to follow up the case but told me to come here and do exactly what we did today… but that you knew Anna. He asked Matthew and Lavinia to raise my son because he knew it would be form of torture for me. He knows my heart is with Matthew but Richard underestimated me. He didn't think I would embark on an affair with him so I guess I am safe against him finding out about the affair,' Anna felt the carriage slow to a halt and got out to help Mary out of the carriage, 'I would appreciate it if you told no one what I just told you Anna, you are my rock now.'

'Of course my lady,' Anna said solemnly, 'I'm afraid you have to change coaches now and head back to London though m'lady.'

'I wish I could just leave Anna. I wish I could have taken William and left. Father would have let me stay at Downton,' Mary whispered, more to herself than to Anna, walking up towards a car that was waiting for her. Anna didn't respond but helped Mary into the car. The journey home was silent and Mary felt physically sick when the car pulled up outside Haxby's gates and felt the effects even more when she saw Richard standing at the top of the stairs that led to the front door of the grand yet boorish estate, 'Don't make me get out Anna,' Mary said, suddenly clutching Anna's hand and Anna sighed.

'You have to face him Lady Mary, he's you're husband.'

'You're right, whatever happens Anna, you've been the best friend and maid a lady could ask for,' Mary smiled sadly before stepping out of the car. She looked up at Richard, who gave her a cold stare, and she slowly ascended the marble staircase. Richard did not move but watched like a vulture as his wife made her way towards him. He held out his arm and watched her long nimble fingers wrap their way around his bicep, her grip loose and her eyes distant.

'It's nice to see you again Mary. I trust you carried out my orders,' Richard said as they entered the house. He began to steer her towards his study and Mary was fearful of what would happen next.

'Yes Sir, I had the child and handed him over to Matthew and Lavinia before immediately departing for London.' She said in an almost monotone voice.

'And you're sure the father is not Matthew,' Richard said, raising his eyebrow and Mary shook her head.

'You know of my feelings for Matthew, you know of my friendship with Lavinia and above all else you know of Matthew's loyalty and feelings towards Lavinia. Even if he could, he would not so I do not know why you are asking. So I will tell you again, a man forced himself upon me at one of your social gatherings. If you were a loving husband you would have tried to find who did this to me!' Mary hissed and she immediately regretted saying that as Richard immediately grabbed her arm and thrust her up against the wall, hitting her head so hard that she saw spots. He then threw her to the ground and kicked her stomach and punched her a few times, taking pleasure in her cries of agony. When he finished hitting her, he picked her up and threw her against the wall once more before leaning close to her ear and whispering his threat.

'Do not ever speak to me like that again, do you hear me Mary? You deserved what you got by that man! It's your fault that you were impregnated by him too! And now, you'll have the satisfaction of watching a former flame and his new wife raising your child.' Richard then laughed and dropped his now sobbing wife before grabbing his keys from his desk, 'I'm going down to the factory. I won't be home tonight,' he said, not bothering to shut the door behind him. Mary gingerly touched the back of her head and winced as she felt her warm crimson blood spill onto her fingers. Moaning in pain, she couldn't bring herself to get up so she sat when suddenly a wave of nausea swept over her and she felt dizzy before fainting on the floor, blood seeping out of the wound on her head.

Meanwhile, after Matthew had dropped Lavinia and William off at their London home, he immediately made his way to Haxby. Upon arrival he saw Richard yelling at Mary's maid.

'You are the leave this household! Lady Mary is no longer in need of your service madam. I suggest you go back to Downton and continue your visits to you criminal of a husband! Get your belongings and go. I will be back tomorrow and I want you gone, do I make myself clear!' Richard yelled at a weeping Anna before getting into his automobile and driving off. Luckily for Matthew, Richard drove past him too fast enough for him to be spotted. Matthew ran towards Anna and held her arm.

'Anna are you alright?' he asked and Anna gasped when she saw him.

'Mr Crawley, what are you doing here?' she asked and Matthew sighed.

'I'm here to see Mary, she looked so broken this morning, I had to see if she's alright,'

'She has not been in the house for 5 minutes. Come with me Sir,' Anna said sadly.

'I'm sorry to hear Richard has asked you to leave. You are welcome to our house if you wish Anna, and I'm sure Lord Grantham will be honoured to have you back in his household,' Matthew smiled and Anna returned it graciously.

'Thank you Sir, but I have no intention of leaving Lady Mary alone with Carlisle,' Anna vowed, opening the door and holding it open for Matthew.

'What do you mean?'

'Well, we both know Carlisle was cruel to Mary whilst you had your affair with her, you saw how happy she was with you compared to when she had to attend social events as Richard's wife. But as soon as she became pregnant with your child, he's cruelty became worse to almost evil. I won't lie to you Mr Crawley, Lady Mary felt the blow of her husband's fist before she was sent away to give birth to William.'

'By God…' Matthew started and Anna nodded.

'Lady Mary is strong and brave but I fear that it will all be lost if she is left alone with Carlisle,'

'Understandably,' Matthew said in agreement.

'I will have to…' Anna trailed off as she noticed Richard's study door open. 'That's strange, Sir Richard always shuts his study door when leaving the house,' Anna said, walking towards the room whilst Matthew stayed where he was. Anna poked her head through the door and screamed when she saw Mary battered, bloody, bruised and unconscious on the floor. Matthew, upon hearing her screams, immediately ran into the office and was shocked to see Anna on the floor clutching Mary to her chest, trying to stop the bleeding to her head with her dress.

'Mary!' Matthew cried, running towards the phone.

'What are you doing?'

'I'm calling a doctor!'

'No! You can't… if Carlisle were to find out, he would surely kill Lady Mary! Help me move her to her room,' Anna cried and Matthew nodded, placing the phone back on the receiver and picking up Mary, thanking the Lord that his back was better now and his injuries from the war had completely healed. Anna directed Matthew to a room and he laid her down on the bed. Anna cleaned up her wounds whilst Matthew watched in silence, feeling total guilt and heartache. Both Anna and Matthew jumped when Mary suddenly emitted a moan.

'My Lady! Are you OK?' Anna cried and Mary nodded.

'Where am I?'

'You're in your room m'lady… and Mr Crawley is here too,' Anna said and Mary opened her eyes.

'Leave us,' Mary whispered and Anna quickly left the room.

'Oh Mary, I'm so sorry!' Matthew cried out in anguish, dropping his knees as soon as the door shut.

'You weren't to know Matthew, it's not your fault.' Mary sighed and she winced in pain. She was shocked to feel Matthew grab her hand and kiss it, 'Matthew, I thought we ended this,' she said, tears filling her eyes.

'I know, I know but I love you Mary and I can't live whilst knowing you are with a man who beats you,' Matthew cried.

'But… you are the one who ended our affair,' Mary weeped, 'I would have stayed with you forever and would never have given you up but you were the one who decided to leave and marry Lavinia. If you had asked, I would have left Richard for you.'

'I know, I was such a fool!'

'Yes, you were,' Mary turned away from him. Matthew rose and sat on the bed. He gently took her jaw between his fingers and turned her to face him.

'Let me kiss you Mary, let me kiss you once more,' Matthew pleaded and although Mary tried to fight her affection, she could not help her eyelids fluttering shut as Matthew's lips brushed against her own. Before she knew it, she and Matthew were reigniting the passion that both had been missing for a year. Mary was the first to break away and she looked into Matthew's eyes.

'If something happens to me Matthew, make sure that William never finds out that I am his mother. It's better and safer for him,' Mary whispered.

'Nothing will happen to you,' Matthew said, somehow feeling that he was trying to convince himself rather than her, 'Mary, tell Richard you want to visit your parents at Downton… I will meet you there and you and I can just be with each other, like before William was born.'

'We can't Matthew… as much as I want to, I can't start this again,'

'But we love each other,' Matthew pleaded and Mary nodded.

'I know, but if we do this, we need to leave our spouses and you have not been married to Lavinia much longer than a year,' Mary sighed, 'I hate lying to her, do you think she will figure out that William is your son?'

'I don't know, all I know is that he looks more like you than I,' Matthew chuckled, 'he's the only part I have of you at the moment.'

'Matthew, we can't be together. You made your decision when you married Lavinia and I'm sorry but you and I both know that we can't restart our affair,' Mary whispered and Matthew pursed his lips together and frowned before standing up quickly and giving a slight bow.

'You're right. Good day Mrs Carlisle,' Matthew said curtly before hastily exiting. The minute the door slammed, Mary broke down into tears and cried her heart out.

**Reviews please they would be much appreciated by me and motivate me more ^_^**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I know that characters are a little OOC but I want them like this :P **

'Lavinia, I am so glad to hear you are well again!' Mary cried, hugging her friend who was now sitting up in her bed.

'As am I Lady Mary, as am I. I really did think I would die from the disease but I must say your physician works wonders,' Lavinia laughed, taking Mary's hands in her own, 'now tell me, how is your mother?'

'She's still rather bad but Clarkson says she will live,' Mary smiled and she let out a sigh. Suddenly, both women jumped when the door opened and Matthew entered.

'Matthew!' Mary cried, standing up, 'what on earth are you doing here?' she asked and Matthew chuckled.

'Why I'm here to see my fiancée of course,' he said, looking at Lavinia and smiling. Mary felt a twinge of jealousy but she had to bite it back.

'Right, well I shall leave you two alone. I'd best be getting back to my own fiancé really… so I'll go,' Mary said with a false smile on her face before she retreated from the room. Matthew turned to face Lavinia and smiled.

'How are you feeling my darling?'

'Much better than I was earlier,' Lavinia smiled sadly.  
'I've been thinking about the date for our wedding and...what is it?' Matthew trailed off, noticing Lavinia's distant stare.  
'I wonder if we haven't been rather lucky.' Lavinia sighed.  
'Well, I think we've both been very lucky.' Matthew chuckled but Lavinia brushed off his comment.  
'That we've been given a second chance,' she continued, looking into Matthew's eyes. Matthew looked at her confused and raised an eyebrow.  
'Second chance at what?'  
'To be quite, quite sure about what we're doing,' Lavinia continued slowly.  
'Darling, what can you mean?'  
'The thing is...I might as well say it. When I came downstairs and you and Mary were dancing, I heard what you said...and I saw what you did.' She said and Matthew's breath hitched in his throat. How were they to carry out their affair now that Lavinia had seen them?  
'But that was—' Matthew started but Lavinia interrupted by taking his hand.  
'No, it's not that I'm in a rage and a fury. In fact, I think it's noble of you to want to keep your word when things have changed. But I'm not sure it'd be right for me to hold you to it,' she bit her lip and Matthew sighed.  
'Lavinia, I can explain.'  
'No, listen. I've had lots of time to think about it. I love you very, very much, and I've wanted to marry you from the first moment I saw you, all that is true,' Lavinia's voice started to crack and her eyes welled up, 'But I didn't really know what I was taking on. It's not in me to be Queen of the County. I'm a little person, an ordinary person, and when I saw you and Mary together, I thought, How fine. How right you look together.' She wiped her tears away and smiled slightly, ' And it isn't a sudden thing. When you were wounded from the war, I thought it was my calling to look after you and care for you. I don't think Mary would've done that quite as well as me, really, but she did look after you too and I see now that you're connection with her is far greater than your connection with me. I do have some self-worth Matthew, just not enough to make you marry the wrong person.'

For some reason, Matthew felt angry at Lavinia for saying this to him even though he knew it was 100% true the words she spoke.  
'What you're saying is pointless! Mary's marrying somebody else!'  
'Is she? We'll see,' Lavinia chuckled. Matthew looked at her and shook his head, taking a deep breath.  
'I won't let you do this.'  
'You will. Because I am releasing you from our engagement Matthew, I will head back to Oxford and all will be well again.'  
'Lavinia…'

'I'm tired Matthew, we can talk more later,' Lavinia yawned before snuggling down into her bed. She turned on her side and waited to hear the door shut before she let her tears run free.

Meanwhile, Mary was sitting with Sir Richard in the drawing room in silence.

'Perhaps I should go check in again with Lavinia,' Mary said softly, rising from her chair but Richard stopped her but holding his arm out.

'You've just come back. Can't you just leave Miss Swire alone for 5 minutes, or is it really Matthew that you want to see?'

'Of course not! How could you think that!'

'How could I not think of it Mary? The way you pine after him when your case is lost, it's ridiculous! You're mine and I will not let you go, do you hear me?' Richard glared at her, 'Do you understand?'

Mary glared at her fiancé, 'Really Richard, you must really get used to Matthew being around though once we are married,'

'Am I never to be rid of him?' Richard grimaced and Mary smirked, knowing she had got to him this time rather than it being the other way around.

'Of course not, you know how families like ours work and Matthew will be head of it someday.' She said, returning to sipping from her tea.

'Well hopefully he and Lavinia will carry on your family's line for I refuse to have children,' Richard said smugly at her and Mary almost dropped her tea.

'What?' she whispered.

'Oh you heard me Mary, I refuse to let you have a child. You're going to be my wife, that doesn't mean you are to become a mother. Sorry my darling but that's how it's going to be,' he laughed. Mary stood up suddenly and left the room, refusing to cry in front of Richard. Although the throught of having children with Richard wasn't the most rewarding, Mary had hoped for at least something to come of her marriage to him and now with those words, he had crushed her hopes. Mary burst out the front door and ran towards the stables, grabbing her horse, Brego _(a/n pronounced Bray-go like in LOTR xD)_, and galloping across the fields to get as far away as possible from Downton as it was the last place she wanted to be at the moment. She couldn't see how this affair would ever work out between her and Matthew because with Richard now currently staying at Downton there was no way they could ever be alone without Richard being present or keeping an eye on her. Slowing to a halt, she took in her surroundings, the sun was setting leaving the sky a greyish blue, the amber leafed trees were blowing gently in the breeze and Downton was a mere speck in the distance. Mary took a deep breath and exhaled deeply before dismounting Brego and walking him to one of the trees and tying his rains to the branches. She then proceeded to walk towards a creek that was flowing gently near her. Not caring for the state of her dress, she sunk to her knees and looked at her reflection in the water. She didn't look like a blushing bride, young, vivacious and ready to start a new life, but more like an old woman waiting for death to take her. Her skin was pasty, she had large bags under her eyes and her long brown hair was starting to unbraid itself.

Mary wasn't fazed by the thunder that was now starting to brew and the pellets of rain that were starting to drop.

'How are you going to get out of this one Mary?' she asked herself, trying but failing to come up with a solution to her engagement to Richard and the other endless list of problems that tormented her mind. When another crack of thunder was heard and it was clear that Brego had started to get uneasy due to his whinnying and the stamping of his hooves, Mary snapped out of her daze. Standing up, she ran over to Brego and untied him, just as she was about to mount him, the heavens opened and the rain cascaded down from the skies, soaking her head to toe in an instant. Brego was now whinnying uncontrollably, scared by the rain and Mary had to keep stroking him and whispering words of comfort to him, 'Come now Brego, it is only a little rain. We'll stay here until it has stopped,' Mary said to him and although he stopped whinnying, it was clear to Mary that he was still not comfortable in his surroundings. Mary sighed, knowing that Brego would probably start to become scared again soon when another bout of thunder startled him, so she climbed onto his back, not caring for side saddle, and stroked his neck, 'Come on then Brego, lets go home,' she said before whipping the reins. However, when Brego did not move from his spot, she tried again… and again but it was no use. Sighing, she dismounted and decided to lead Brego back to Downton; it would be a long walk but at least it would keep her away from Richard for a little while longer.

Mary walked Brego for around an hour, keeping her focus fixed on reaching Downton, but she could feel her body giving into the cold and her legs becoming tired. Not seeing an upcoming rabbit hole, Mary cascaded forward, almost dragging Brego with her, and let out a yelp of pain as she felt her ankle twist. Tears fell down her cheeks and mixed in with the rain water and she couldn't help but think this was where she was going to die. If not here, she would die somewhere of pneumonia, or worse… the Spanish flu. Lavinia had been lucky, according to Clarkson the disease affected young adults more than the elder ones. Resigning herself to her situation, she huddled her knees to her chest and began to cry. Brego neighed in distress when a flash of lightening hit the skies and he ran off towards Downton, leaving Mary in the cold.

'BREGO!' she called, but her voice was drowned out by the noise of the storm, 'BREGO!' Mary began to cry harder as she realised that she was alone in the empty fields, suffering from the wet and the cold. Shivering, she tried to get up but fell to the floor again, her ankle was just too weak and the pain blinded her. 'HELP! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! HELP!' Mary cried out but all she got in response was more thunder and another flash of lightening. It was times like this when she cursed Downton for having such large grounds. Mary refused to give up though and she continued to call out until her voice was hoarse and she could yell no more. All the yelling and walking had made her exhausted and she could barely keep her eyes open, so lying back into the grass, she closed her eyes and fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

Matthew, looked out towards the rain, seeing how heavy it was. It had been about an hour since Lavinia had ended their relationship and he hadn't seen Mary around at all. In fact, no one had seen her. Walking into the library, Matthew stumbled upon Sir Richard.

'Ah Carlisle, I thought I might find you here. I was wondering if you'd seen Cousin Mary around?'

'Well, Mr Crawley, I must say you are looking remarkably well,' Carlisle said, brushing off Matthew's question.

'I definitely feel well Sir Richard, but I don't have time to talk. You see Lavinia is asking for Mary and no one seems to know where she is,' Matthew said and Richard sighed.

'Well you can tell Miss Swire that Lady Mary has gone out,' Richard stated, looking back to his newspaper.

'What?' Matthew asked.

'She took Brego out for a ride around a couple of hours ago and I haven't seen her return, so one must assume that she's still out there,' Richard said calmly, turning the page in his newspaper.

'You mean, she's out in that storm?'

'Yes,' Richard said airily and a clap of thunder rolled through the windows.

'Someone should go out looking for her!'

'Now why would they do that?'

'She could be hurt, injured, unconscious!'

'She could also be in some tavern in the village.'

'God man! Do you not care an ounce for your fiancée?' Matthew glowered before turning on his heel and walking out of the room. Grabbing a hat and two of his coats, he ventured out into the grounds, calling out Mary's name. Wherever he looked, all he saw was rain and all he heard was the storm. 'MARY!' he yelled, continuing his walk.

'IS ANYBOYS THERE! SOMEONE, PLEASE HELP ME!' He heard suddenly. The voice was very, very faint but he recognised it immediately as Mary's. Moving as fast as he could towards the sound of her voice, he kept calling out her name. Suddenly Mary's calls for help stopped and Matthew had to swallow a feeling of dread that was arising in his stomach.

'MARY!' he called out once more and he continued walking until suddenly a very frightened Brego appeared in front of him, 'Woah! Steady boy! Easy now! Where's your mistress?' he asked, grabbing the reigns. Although he knew it wasn't a good idea to mount an uneasy and distressed horse, especially in his own condition, but he did it anyway. Brego initially tried to be ornery with Matthew and tried to forcibly throw his rider but he soon gave up when Matthew refused to let go. Matthew whipped the reigns and thankfully, Brego brought him quickly to Mary's pale unconscious form, 'Lucky you're a fast rider old chap,' Matthew patted Brego before kneeling beside Mary, 'Mary! Wake up!' he said shaking her but Mary did not wake. Panicking slightly, he lifted her up onto Brego, biting back the striking pain that shot through his back. The rain continued to pour down harshly and Matthew new his coat would do not good to Mary so the only way to keep her warm was to hold her himself. It proved to be a very difficult task to keep Mary on Brego whilst he also mounted the horse. Brego was uncomfortable at first as he was not used to having two people on his back, but he quickly adapted and stayed still as Matthew adjusted himself, still trying to ignore the pain in his back which was quickly getting worse. He pulled Mary closer to him and wrapped the second coat he wore underneath his first coat around her arms. Her skin was ice cold to the touch and she had begun to shiver after being enveloped in Matthew's body heat. Matthew let out a sigh of relief when she opened her eyes to look at him.

'Matthew,' she croaked.

'I'm here Mary, I won't leave you… don't worry, I'm here,' Matthew said softly, watching her snuggle closer to him. Taking the reigns, he rode himself and Mary back to the estate at a steady pace so as to not put any more pressure on Brego.

Upon arriving at Downton, they were met by an anxious Robert, Edith Mrs Hughs, Anna and Carson. The stable boy ran over to hold Brego as Robert and Carson ran to help Matthew off the horse with Mary. Matthew let out a gasp of pain as his back seized up and he collapsed on Carson for support whilst, Robert held Mary in his arms.

'Anna, go and make up the main guest bedroom for Mary, make sure the fire is lit and there is a hot bedpan by the time we get there! Edith you go and help her!'

'Me, help a maid?' Edith looked at her father as if he had grown another head and had suggested something completely ludicrous.

'NOW Edith!' Robert said angrily, 'I am furious with your sister for doing this but I'd rather give her a lecture later than have her die!' Edith nodded and followed Anna, grabbing Sybil to help on the way, 'Matthew, I cannot thank you enough for going out and getting her.' Robert added, started to walk towards the main guest bedroom with Mary as Matthew hobbled along behind him, holding onto Carson for support.

'You're welcome sir, however, I must ask how did you know that I had gone after Mary?' he asked, wincing.

'From Carlisle actually,' Robert sighed, 'he said Mary had gone for a walk to the village and that you had gone after her even though she was perfectly safe. But I know Mary better than he does and I know for a fact that Mary would never walk to the village, she always takes the automobile or Brego. I went to the stables and Joseph, the stable boy you just met, told me Mary had dashed in looking extremely upset, took Brego and rode out into the fields. I've been waiting for your return since and the rain made me worry worse. I nearly lost my wife, I'm not going to lose my eldest daughter,' Robert kissed his daughters forehead as he arrived at the room, leaving Clarkson to help Matthew to his own room. As asked for, there was a fire lit and a bedpan placed in the bed. Robert placed Mary down on the bed and left to fetch Clarkson whilst Anna, Edith and Sybil changed Mary into a warm dry nightgown and tucked her into bed.

'Thank you so much for helping me,' Mary said softly to her sisters and maid, having gained full consciousness now.

'How are you feeling?' Sybil asked and Mary coughed.

'My ankle really hurts, as does my voice,' she croaked.

'Papa has gone to fetch Clarkson,' Edith said before narrowing her eyes, 'What were you thinking Mary! You could have been killed!'

'I'm sorry! I didn't know this would happen,' Mary said softly.

'Well you're lucky cousin Matthew found you Mary because otherwise you'd be dead!' Edith hissed and Mary glared at her.

'If you're here to lecture me Edith then just leave! Go sulk in your room as to why Anthony Strallon won't marry you,' Mary spat and Edith looked hurt for a second before turning on her heel and leaving the room. Moments later Robert entered followed by Clarkson, Carlisle and Matthew. Carlisle took a seat beside Mary and grabbed her hand, almost possessively and animalistic like, and both Robert and Matthew saw her tense.

'Well the ankle isn't broken,' Clarkson concluded, after examining Mary, 'it's merely sprained and I'm sure Lady Mary will make a speedy recovery. She's very lucky not to have contracted anything worse, I would have thought maybe pneumonia would be on the cards but there are no signs of it at all, but just keep an eye on her for the next week or so, just so we can be on the safe side,' he told Robert before turning to Mary, 'Now Lady Mary, plenty of rest, no strenuous movement and definitely no walking up the aisle until you're fully healed.' He chuckled and packed his equipment. 'I'll say goodbye now,' he smiled before leaving.

'I think its time Mary got some sleep,' Robert said, ushering the girls out, 'Walk with me Carlisle, I need to discuss something with you,' Robert said sternly and Carlisle didn't have much choice other than to follow, leaving Mary and Matthew alone.

'I, er, I want to thank you for rescuing me,' Mary said quietly.

'You're welcome, oh Mary, I don't know what I would have done if you had died out there' Matthew said, sitting on the bed, grimacing at his back pain.

'You're hurt,' she whispered and Matthew smiled.

'A little but its nothing I can't bear,' he chuckled and he took her hand, 'Now, what made you so upset that you ran off like that?'

'Sir Richard told me that I am never to have a child by him, not that I want to bear his children but my future with him looks so bleak, I would rather have his child than be alone,' Mary whispered, 'he said that me becoming his wife did not entitle me to being a mother. I want so badly to be a mother Matthew.'

'Leave Carlisle then Mary, stay at Downton and marry me,' Matthew whispered. Mary looked at him in shock.

'But, Lavinia…' she started.

'Lavinia has released me from our engagement, I am free to be yours,' Matthew smiled and Mary sat up quickly and hugged him.

'Matthew, I want to marry you, I really do but I can't leave Richard, I really can't,' she said softly.

'Why not?'

'If I told you the reason, you would most certainly despise me and I couldn't bear that, I really couldn't,' Mary shook her head, blinking back tears.

'Tell me my love,' Matthew whispered and Mary shook her head.

'Oh Matthew, I'm so ashamed.' She whispered, her voice cracking and her eyes welling up

'Has he had you?' Matthew asked, wide eyed and Mary shook her head profusely.

'No he has not.' Matthew let out a sigh of relief but Mary didn't stop speaking, 'but he knows that someone almost has.' She added in a hushed whisper.

'What.' Matthew whispered, his stomach plummeting.

'Do you remember… a Mr Kemal Pamuk?' Mary asked quietly, bringing her knees to her chin.

'The Turkish diplomat who died?'

'Well… he died in my bed Matthew. I am, as mama says, damaged goods, made different by it and Richard knows about it. I marry him for his silence on the matter, he bought the story from Bates' wife. She somehow got a hold of the information and I now owe Richard for protecting my reputation. By marrying him, I receive a position, a life and I protect the family,' Mary whispered and Matthew looked at her, stunned with shock. Licking his now dry lips, he scooted towards her and took her hands.

'Mary, the past is the past and it was before we had feelings for one another but it all boils down to the fact that you must not marry Carlisle,' he said firmly and Mary shook her head.

'No Matthew, I have to and I just cannot see how our affair will ever work,'

'Then let me show you,' Matthew said, swooping forward and kissed her fully on the mouth.

**Bit of a longer chapter but hope you enjoyed it **


End file.
